Job Interview, Published Author, Self Publishing, Writing

The Wrong Job

I’ve been getting some questions lately about what’s going on in my personal life. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll see that I post a good mix of motivation, inspiration, and funny with a dash of inappropriate. I’ll admit, lately I’ve been posting some ominous pictures about making the right decisions and taking a leap of faith. Today I posted one that was the cover of a children’s book with a train on it that says, “The Little Engine That Said Fuck It”. I am that little engine. Today I said, “Fuck it!” Today I quit my job.

the-little-engine-that-said-fuck-it

That’s not as dramatic as it sounds, because I’ve given my 2 week notice, but I’m calling it quits a few days early.

Let me backtrack a little…about 5 months ago, a friend of mine reached out to me and offered me a job working with her. I’ve known her since elementary school. We didn’t really keep in touch over the years, but we connected on Facebook and once I moved to Nevada, we got back in touch since she lives here, too. At first, it seemed like it was the perfect job. It was a little out of my comfort zone, but it sure beat sitting at a desk and answering phones all day. At least I thought it did.

Hate work   Spreadsheets

3 months into the job, I started to realize it was not the right fit for me. I was working with my strengths and trying to make the most of it, but I realized it was a very analytical job full of numbers, spreadsheets, and data. Definitely not the right job for someone who’s creative and writes romance novels. I needed to get out. Not just for me, but for the good of the company, too. I knew I wasn’t the person for the job, so not only was it unfair to me to keep trudging along, it was unfair to the company. No business wants the wrong person in any position.

I wanted to be honest with this friend and let her know I wasn’t happy, when suddenly everything got turned upside down. She was let go from the company. I won’t get into why. Not just because she wouldn’t tell me specifics, but simply because this is not to bash her in any way. Something happened that shouldn’t have happened and she lost her job because of it. I felt bad for her, but then I started to feel really bad for me! With her no longer there as my manager, it became clear how much there was to the position that I didn’t know. I spent 2 days with a different manager and he really showed me what it was all about. By the end of that 2nd day, I knew without a doubt, I had to get out!

adorable animal berner sennen bernese mountain dog

I had 2 interviews with one company under my belt. That Friday when I got home after the 2nd day of training, they called me for a 3rd interview. I didn’t take this 3rd interview request as a done deal, but it was a good start. I also had a plan B. So, I took a leap of faith and put in my 2 week notice. But, once I gave my notice I couldn’t shake the nerves. Even when my duties went from basic administrative tasks to pretty much mailing it in because I was doing next to nothing, I was still sick to my stomach. I told my husband it was time to quit. He countered that I only had 2 days left, so why not coast along and at least get paid for the full week. When I told him the healthiest thing for me was to completely disconnect, he said he understood. But it felt like he didn’t. I know how his brain works. He’s always in manager-mode and he’s very analytical.

Some of you might not even understand. I mean, what’s 2 days? Isn’t that simple? Not to me. To me it’s come at the cost of the worst, crippling anxiety I’ve ever experienced. It’s cost me sleepless nights, bad dreams, physical pain, etc. I haven’t even had the creativity to write because it’s sucked the motivation out of me. That’s a huge price that’s worth more to me than a couple hundred dollars. And I’ve reached a point in my life where I need to do what’s best for me. I can’t say I have to do it for him, or for my family, because I have to put myself first in order to be the best I can be for them.

love romantic bath candlelight

What I’ve learned from this is that no job should ever make you feel this way. The only time a situation is allowed to panic you on that level, is when it means everything to you. My writing panics me and even though I hate feeling that way, I’m ok with it, simply because I know how much it means to me. But a job that’s just a job? No way.

The funny thing is, halfway through my morning of drafting my resignation email and finally being able to take deep breaths, one of the managers called me and told me he was getting my computer and phone from me because he needed it to start training the new person. The timing was perfect and I told him that’s fine, I’m leaving today anyway. It was done. I could really breathe.

person standing on boardwalk

You might be wondering what came of the 3rd interview. The next day they called and offered me the job. It’s a position that suits me so much better! You also might be wondering what was Plan B? It was anything. I was prepared to flip burgers, or work retail since the holiday are right around the corner.

It’s amazing how much this job sucked my energy and drive to write. Even when I gave my notice, I still couldn’t find the motivation. But, guess what? You’re reading this…so that means it’s back.

white and red plastic heart balloon on sky during daytime

 

Thanks for stopping by!
Brooke

Uncategorized, Writer's Block, Writing

Writer’s Block or Unmotivated?

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Currently, I’m working on self-publishing my first book and I’m in the process of writing additional books that are included in the series.
Writer’s Block is something we’ve all heard of. You’re stuck. You don’t know where to go with the story. The characters aren’t doing what you want them to do.
I’ve experienced this and though it’s never fun, it is very real. But, sometimes I wonder, is it writer’s block, or am I just unmotivated?
The reason I wonder this is because when I’m not writing, it’s not because I don’t know what happens next in the story, or what the characters need me to write, it’s because sometimes I simply want to be lazy. But recently that laziness has been earned.

As I mentioned, I’m getting ready to self-publish my first book. As I’m putting the finishing touches on that, I delved into an intense edit of my second book. On top of all that, I recently lost my job.
Minus the money factor (that damn money!), I’ve loved being home and having the freedom to write all day. As soon as the layoff happened, I jumped in on the edit and gave it my all. My editor was loving my motivation. She wanted to read the book first to get a feel of the story and where it goes before she took the reigns and had fun with her red pen. (She really loves her red pen, by the way.) It’s very motivating to have someone reading your work as you go along. It really pushes me to finish.
Well, I finished my edit of my second book, although it’s nowhere near ready, there will be so much more work on the horizon. And I handed off my first book to be formatted to print, so what was I to do? It’s not like I don’t have plenty to keep me busy, but once I reached a stopping point and I actually stopped, I realized something:
I’m exhausted!

Writing is extremely emotional. I’ll sit here with my fingers flying over the keys and tears streaming down my face at times. Other times I have a scowl in place because I’m angry at the situation that’s being created, or I’ll giggle like a loon and make my family wonder if I need a mental evaluation. But, something I don’t think people take into consideration is how taxing it can be. I certainly never knew!

I have to feel good when I’m writing. If I’m bored and trudging through a chapter, I believe that will come across when someone reads it. The flow of the story has to be there, the emotion from the characters has to be there, even if it’s a simple moment of sharing coffee in the morning. One of my favorite writing quotes is, “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.” I love that quote and believe it to be true. If it touches me, it will touch the reader. If it bores me, it will bore the reader.

Sometimes I need a day or two, sometimes more. But this was turning into weeks. Weeks of me staring at a chapter and changing a word here and there, then justifying my time with playing Bejeweled or My Vegas Slots on Facebook, claiming that would clear my mind.

Since I’ve started writing, I’ve always lived by this rule: Ass in chair – write. Sometimes when I do this my writing resembles that scene from the movie Misery where he’s trapped with a psycho fan and he can’t get away:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, wrote Paul Sheldon as he emoted his frustration at being held captive by Annie Wilkes. I get it, Paul. I totally get it. (Sidebar, I love this movie and must watch it again soon!)

I start to freak out when I take breaks. I worry that my creativity is gone forever (I’m really good at worrying), I get frustrated with myself, I let my brain become inundated with every single doubt I’m sure every single writer has ever had.

So, what did I do to try to get my mojo back?

  • I started to read a book, but that didn’t help. When I get in these droughts, all I do is compare my writing to other writers and nothing good comes from that.
  • I got out of the house. Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve become reclusive and it’s not always a good thing. Getting out of the house helps clear the mind.
  • I worked out. The treadmill does wonders for helping me find the words I’m looking for.
  • I drank wine. A lot of it. Another quote I love: “Write drunk, edit sober.” I’ve written some of my best stuff tipsy. (Not all of it, so don’t judge!)
  • I took a walk with my daughter.
  • I talked about it. Endlessly. To both of my daughters and my husband. I emailed my woes to a friend of mine. They all assured me I would find it.
  • I giggled. A lot. My oldest daughter has Fridays off from college. This past Friday, she and I walked to the store, made lunch together and laughed about everything and nothing. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
  • I finally sat my butt down and wrote.
  • And wrote and wrote and wrote.

Just like everyone told me it would, and like I believed deep down in my heart, my mojo came back.

I realize I never answered the question: was it writer’s block or was I unmotivated? It could have been either one, so I honestly don’t know. What I do know is, it’s OK to take a break. As I’m learning along this crazy road, some of these breaks are going to take longer than others. This was a long one. I didn’t like it, but it’s over. Eventually I found the words and the rhythm of the story again and wondered why they were ever lost.

Now I have to stop rambling and get back to writing, I have characters waiting for me to finish their chapter!